Well, here's my second May post. I know it's not the season of miracles, but that's why they're called miracles, right?
Anyway, graduation weekend was a lot of fun. Cosmic bowling the night I get up there, graduation and bbq the next day, and a full day at the beach after that. Then I had to go back, which wasn't so happy, but it still had to happen.
I just don't know what's going to happen now. There's a couple things I probably should have said, but I choked up at the last minute. I'm not regretting choking up, but I was definitely irritated about it. Not as much any more, but just slightly.
And I've been doing some more thinking. I had the blues the other day when I realized I couldn't actually move out right now if I still wanted to start paying back my student loans on time. Which I don't know if I'm going to be able to make continuous payments, which worries me. I don't want to start paying until I know I'll be able to pay them off in full on a constant basis. I'm going to have to look again at what options I have to defer them. I know what a couple are, but I'm gonna have to talk to somebody and find out some more info.
I also know I'm not as emotionally...flatlined? constant? steady?....as I used to be. On some levels that's good (I'm sure), but on others it's very unsettling (I'm very sure). I'm thinking it's probably just because of where I am in my life and what I've been thinking about, but it's still something I don't really want to deal with. A good portion of it most probably comes from the job because I generally don't talk about my job. Not even to my parents, my mom specifically. Which is something I normally do. In one sense it's good I'm relearning how to deal with things on my own but saddening to realize that I've become that much more closed with my parents.
Help?
"Ball of Confusion"-The Temptations (maybe)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Next Go Round
Welcome to May. Notice that this is at the beginning of the month instead of, say, the last day/night of the month. Aren't you proud of me?
Anyway, went to Ren Faire last weekend. Always fun. Got to see a couple friends of mine. Also always fun. And thought provoking. Something that one of my friends said (it was a really bad day for her) was "isn't it morbid that we've come to this point in our lives?" Just because I agree with her doesn't mean I like hearing it voiced!!!
Yes, I'm at a better place than I have been. Yes, I have half a small chance of getting into a permanent position in the county. However, one of those chances was as a social worker. Something which I have never and still do not want to do. Especially after being their gopher. So even if I do get it (which I'm not counting on), I'd be miserable. I'd make the best of it that I could, but I would be absolutely unhappy doing it. Sometimes it doesn't pay to have a good idea of who I am or what I like because of situations like this.
But, that's in the future. In the immediate future, I'm heading back up to Monterey to see my friends graduate (yay!!!). Although I'm thinking of getting a massage on the way up or on the way back down. I've gotten to the point where I can physically feel the tension around my neck and on my shoulders, which is never good.
However, none of this means I'm allowed to give up. I'm still weirded out by the very definite fact that I graduated college a year ago. And that I'm now watching friends that I came in with, graduate. I'm hoping to not feel lost again, but I think I'm starting to feel the vestiges of it. That, and I've been looking at apartments/studios/condos in SLO. Since I don't think that I'll be able to move out of CA after I move out of Tehachapi, I would love to be in San Luis. I don't mind Monterey, but I'm a mountain girl. I need a place with mountains. Which San Luis has. And Hearst Castle, and the awesome comic book shop, and a gazillion coffee shop things, and late hours, and....you can see where I'm going with this.
But, as with everything else, it depends on my job. Or where the job market takes me. And I'll have some more info about what's going on with the Kern County budget after June 2nd. They're holding an all-staff meeting, attendance mandatory unless otherwise excused. So I'm sure I'll have a couple things to say after that.
"Next Go Round"-Nickelback
Anyway, went to Ren Faire last weekend. Always fun. Got to see a couple friends of mine. Also always fun. And thought provoking. Something that one of my friends said (it was a really bad day for her) was "isn't it morbid that we've come to this point in our lives?" Just because I agree with her doesn't mean I like hearing it voiced!!!
Yes, I'm at a better place than I have been. Yes, I have half a small chance of getting into a permanent position in the county. However, one of those chances was as a social worker. Something which I have never and still do not want to do. Especially after being their gopher. So even if I do get it (which I'm not counting on), I'd be miserable. I'd make the best of it that I could, but I would be absolutely unhappy doing it. Sometimes it doesn't pay to have a good idea of who I am or what I like because of situations like this.
But, that's in the future. In the immediate future, I'm heading back up to Monterey to see my friends graduate (yay!!!). Although I'm thinking of getting a massage on the way up or on the way back down. I've gotten to the point where I can physically feel the tension around my neck and on my shoulders, which is never good.
However, none of this means I'm allowed to give up. I'm still weirded out by the very definite fact that I graduated college a year ago. And that I'm now watching friends that I came in with, graduate. I'm hoping to not feel lost again, but I think I'm starting to feel the vestiges of it. That, and I've been looking at apartments/studios/condos in SLO. Since I don't think that I'll be able to move out of CA after I move out of Tehachapi, I would love to be in San Luis. I don't mind Monterey, but I'm a mountain girl. I need a place with mountains. Which San Luis has. And Hearst Castle, and the awesome comic book shop, and a gazillion coffee shop things, and late hours, and....you can see where I'm going with this.
But, as with everything else, it depends on my job. Or where the job market takes me. And I'll have some more info about what's going on with the Kern County budget after June 2nd. They're holding an all-staff meeting, attendance mandatory unless otherwise excused. So I'm sure I'll have a couple things to say after that.
"Next Go Round"-Nickelback